it’s not about trancing, it’s about letting everything go…
these few months have been supercharged, either in experiences or encounters i never thought i’d have. energies adding up on energies. this fuel needed to be burnt, or at least celebrated.
(“but you hate people ! yes, but i love gatherings, isn’t it ironic ?“)
melting with others, feeling the soft touch of people around, all enjoying the music and the electronic beats, one of kind of an emotion, since i consider myself mainly an hardcore individualist who once in a while like losing herself into the crowd.
feeling the music rolling, coming and keeping on coming again & again. priceless moments. my mind addicted to the thrills of the beats kicking in, running all over me, feeling stranded in a blessed & safe state of mind.
when the sound waves come and go, that’s when i feel hyped, my body becomes hyper-sensitive and i finally allow myself to lose grip on everything.
every wave that touches my skin is like an extra shot of a long-gone drug i seem to have experienced several thousands years ago…
it’s not about trancing, it’s about diving into the deep…
dancing is like wearing some magic suit : i let my insecurities and fears out in the open. i peel everything off, and there i am : soft, fragile.
i put my armor to rest and, for a little while, no irrepressible flow of ideas overwhelms me, no anxieties, no relentless voices babbling in my head.
eyes closed, oscillating, vibrating. smiling.
becoming just another human being, swimming through the beats, the bass, the melodies, into the rhythmic chaos that’s swallowing me whole.
dancing is maybe one of the few moments in my life i accept being brushed, touched & caressed by other people. while dancing.
it’s not that easy becoming that vulnerable, every movement of air around me gets me feels i usually try to control or repress.
but my mind knows better than i do: it loves the anticipation of my synapses exploding, delivering all the sweetness they have to offer. every move, every step, is like a pouring rain of soft filaments flickering against the shores of my skin. every assault of loud decibels being draw in, my ears, my nose, like some dense violet fumes.
and there is solace and catharsis in all this.
every time i dance alone, amid some packed-up club or venue, i lose myself.
i lose myself and i am lost and i’m born again.
i can’t control anything, my mind rambling free, my thoughts light as feathers.
it’s not about trancing, it’s about that one moment in time…
when i’m that high, the energy i radiate feels like a phoenix rising.
the only fire that fuels life, that opens up the way to another realm i thought i could only experience alone.
but my mind keep recalling this one night, way back, when i was dancing and suddenly felt being lifted from the floor.
it was a very strange feeling, burning out and from the inside at the same time. the place wasn’t that packed and we were all dancing in the dark, some UV lights blinking from time to time. the sound of some EBM music was flowing. i was so high, eyes closed, smiling, thrilled by the chills on my neck and forearms and legs. the perfect balance between melancholy and happiness. all falling into place, while dancing, at peace with almost everything.
that’s when i felt the soft and delicate burn onto my hands.
my arms were crossed behind my back, and someone had put his hands in mine, and was swaying with my movements.
and then it came :
i can’t explain how strange it felt. i never turned to see whose hands were holding mine. i knew those hands so i just went with all this, with that very soft and silent presence dancing behind me, so familiar, so welcoming, yet so eerie. like returning to an ancient place i knew all along. welcoming and caring, gently applying pressure and giving me warmth. and i gave in, softly. for a few minutes, i felt totally protected, shielded, both known & owned, but freed from everything at the same time.
when the rhythm changed and the song came to an end, leading to a more upbeat one, i opened my eyes, looking at my feet, letting the darkness embrace me.
i then looked in front of me, and was going to turn around, expecting to see my boyfriend, smiling back at me, grasping my hands.
but instead, my eyes glanced towards the dj desk, and that’s when i saw my boyfriend, maybe 10 meters away from me, (he was doing some dj sets at that time) and he was talking to a friend, laughing.
i felt a rush of blood, through the music bumping once more and people passing me by, i asked myself who was actually holding my hands behind my back…
that’s when the warmth faded, the stranger’s hands swiftly retrieved from mine.
i remember turning around, in a gasp, only to see some feet wearing boots, and a tall figure in a dark coat blending swiftly and disappearing into the crowd.
we only danced for a few minutes but it felt like ages.
i never saw him ever again, nor felt that feeling again either.
for years i wondered who the hell he was, why he’d chose me, or if the guy was doing stuff like this every time a girl seemed high or defenseless.
but the strangest part is, after the initial shock, all i ever wondered about was : did he felt like i did ? this rapture, this elation, this comfort of being just at the perfect time in the perfect moment in the perfect place ?
somehow i know he did sense something. i could never thank him for that stolen moment, but i know he knows.
this memory forever engraved in my mind, like a soft scar.
still burning and yearning from the inside, whenever i dance.
it was never about trancing,
it’s about dancing with somebody,
and feeling the f*ck alive and home.